Chapter 10 - Finale (G&G)

To give in to darkness is to give up your life. Nothing it could ever offer could allow one to live a happily. It does the exact opposite, in fact, tearing one apart from the inside until they having nothing, and nobody, left. In some cases, however, there are glorious exceptions to this rule. There is only one thing that is more powerful than darkness: light. When all seems lost, light can shine through the evil to bring the possessed new hope.

Xavier had messed up. For once in his life, he was able to admit to himself that he had messed up. Everything he had done had only worsened the lives of the ones who meant him no harm: Parin had suffered greatly because of his selfishness, Chubba had been the target of his countless murder attempts, and then there was Skelloetta. Oh, how he had hurt-

“Okay, you two!” shouted Chubba, who was exerting all of his energy to be the most obnoxious game show host he could be. “I’m sure you know how this game works!”  Skelloetta would have to wait.

“Actually,” moaned Bandit 1, “neither of us have any-”

“PUT A CLAM IN IT, BANDIT 1! I WAS GOING TO EXPLAIN IT ANYWAYS!” the clubba shrieked, his red face overpowering his teal skin. Turning to the audience, he went on to say, “Here’s how-”

“XAVIER!” “OR!” “NOT XAVIER!”

“-works! Man, I love doing that! The rules are quite simple. In each round, we will ask a question that only the REAL Parin would know! Then again, Xavier’s a bit of a creep, so who knows, right? To answer, all you have to do is press the big, red button on your podium before your twin does! At the end of the final round, the one who got the most questions correct will be dubbed the real Parin, and winner of-”

“XAVIER!” “OR!” “NOT XAVIER!”

“Okay, you can stop doing that now,” he continued, frowning. “As for Xavier, well… let me just say that I have something special in store for him.”

Xavier could only imagine the horrible suffering he’d be forced to endure if he didn’t win the contest. Though he wished not for Parin to receive the brutal punishment that was meant for him, Xavier wished even more that he would not. This in mind, he was determined to beat her out by any means necessary.

“Alright! Let’s get onto our first question!”  The identical bandits readied themselves, placing their hands above their respective buttons. “What color are Parin’s-”

Bandit 2 quickly buzzed in. “Red! My sheets are red, people! Not pink!”  The masked abomination turned towards the other masked abomination and stuck his tongue out through his mask.

“Congratulations, Bandit 2! You’re correct!”  He paused for a moment, then continued. “That’s what I WOULD say if you were right!”

“What?” Bandit 2 shouted, jumping up from his relaxed position.

“If you let me finish stating the question without so rudely interrupting me, you would know that I wasn’t asking about the color of Parin’s sheets. No, I was asking about the color of her room!” “Uh, red!” yelled Bandit 1, then realized he forgot to press his buzzer and continued to do so. “Red! Or blue! One of those!”

“That is correct!” Chubba shouted, followed by the cheers of the ignorant audience. “You’re looking pretty suspicious up there, Xavier!” Bandit 2 sunk back in his seat, arms folded.

“Yeah, Xavier!” Bandit 1 began. “You’re looking pretty-” He was cut off by Bandit 2’s friendly gesture of clawing at the side of his stand while giving him a death glare.

“Time for question #2!” Chubba continued after the viewers quieted themselves down. “What is Parin’s favorite macroinvertebrate?”

“What?” shouted Bandit 2. “I don’t even know what a-”  All of a sudden, Bandit 1 pulled a massive encyclopedia out of nowhere and dropped it down on his button.

“Well, Chubba, that’s obviously the mayfly! Or the bloodworm! Or the pouch snail! Or the…”  Bandit 1 spent the following half hour listing every macroinvertebrate he could find before slamming the book shut.

“Wow!” cried the host, filled with ignorant amazement. “One of those was right! That’s another point for Bandit 1!”  Bandit 2 was astonished by the stupidity of the game. She was not, however, surprised by the stupidity of the one hosting it. Chubba began another comment about how the bandit looked suspect, but he quickly shut him up with another friendly gesture of holding up a particular finger.

“Okay, folks, settle down!” Chubba said, addressing the silent viewing audience. “This third question is a tough one! What team does Parin fight for?”

Bandit 1 punched the buzzer and yelled, “The Show Sto-” before a look of realization crossed over his masked horror show of a face. He quietly stepped away from the podium, Bandit 2 thinking that he had this one in the bag. He was about to buzz in when Chubba broke the silence.

“The Show Stoppers? You mean that team that Xavier got kicked off of?”  The battlers broke into uproarious laughter. All of them except Skelloetta. “Seriously, folks! We’re talking about the boo sisters here! They went behind that devilish bandit’s back and brought in that stupid excuse for a blooper! Not that I blame them, though. I would’ve done it myself. Thanks for the laugh, Parin! For such an amazing joke, you get double points!”  Bandit 2, who would not even bother to express his anger, looked over at Bandit 1. He noticed something that shocked him even more than how rigged the competition was--a tear drop slid down from under his mask. When the bandit noticed that the other was looking at him, he quickly wiped it off and turned to face the viewers, a fake smile plastered across his mask.

“Okay, everyone. Since some people can’t be good little children and hold off on tinkling for the rest of the show--I’m looking at you, Scully--we’re going to take a quick break. Keep your hand off that clicker, because in just a few minutes we’ll back with-”

“XAVIER!” “O-”

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!” Chubba screamed, and followed a panicking Scully up the ladder.

“Classic Chubba. Super original of him to take a break from being a host and take on the persona of a host!” prattled GB, who the boo sisters had each secretly grown to hate with a passion. Speaking of the boo sisters, Skelloetta had a lot on her mind. Chubba’s comment about them giving Xavier the boot had dug up the guilt she had tried so desperately to hide away. She knew that Xavier was a freak who had absolutely no chance in life. She knew that it was his fault he got kicked off of the Show Stoppers. Heck, she knew that she shouldn’t feel guilty at all. But she did, and she knew not what to make of it.

Xavier also had a lot to think about. He had gently touched upon how downhill his life had gone, but standing up there on the stage listening to Chubba’s obnoxious voice had really brought reality crashing down around him. He knew, deep down, that winning this game show would not cause things to go back to how they used to be. But he kept trying, and he knew not what to make of it.

Parin, who had been the only one to notice Xavier’s, or Bandit 1’s, short lived emotional state, had just as much going around in her mind. She was completely aware of the fact that she had done nothing wrong, and yet she felt bad for him. She almost felt compelled to throw the competition, but she quickly assured herself that she was being overdramatic. Parin felt something odd, and she knew not what to make of it.

Chubba had just witnessed Scully urinate all over the floor of the red major league room, and he knew exactly what to make of it.

“Welcome back to Xavier or Not Xavier, one and all,” he muttered, shivering. “While Scully spends the night outside in the freezing cold, we’re going to let the show go on. First, however, I’d like to address the official Xavier or Not Xavier poll!”  Both bandits glared at Chubba, waiting for his undoubtedly idiotic continuation. “I think we were all able to agree that the names Bandit 1 and Bandit 2 simply weren’t going to cut it anymore. This in mind, you guys voted on some all new names! 1, the audience has dubbed you Rango the Magnificent. 2, they’ve decided that your new name is Phil.”

“Or you could just call me by my real name,” Bandit 2 started, “which is Pa-”

“QUIET, PHIL! Okay, all! Without any further hesitation, let’s get on to our fourth question!”

The show proceeded as one might expect. The questions grew more and more stupid (with gems such as “Who is Parin’s favorite member of the Wiggles?” and “What is Parin’s political stance on the selling of mashed peas?”), and Parin’s rival continued to get every question correct with the help of his dumb luck and Chubba’s dumb nature (for those curious, the answer was Anthony). This went on until the very last question.

“This is incredible!” boomed the energetic clubba, who caused a panic in the crowd of comatose battlers. “The score is 49-0 in Rango’s favor, and we’ve reached our final question of the night! It’s a bit of a doozy, however, and it’s worth 50 points!”  An expression of hope flashed over Phil’s face, much unlike the outraged one that appeared on Rango’s. Snoozer raised his voice.

“Hold on. If the last question decides who wins regardless of the score, then what was the point of the first 49 que-”

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, this question is worth 50 points. It’s not an easy one, however. Quite the contrary, really. The bandit who answers this correctly is, without a doubt, the real Parin.”  Chubba looked around, took a deep, nasally breath, and said, “Who does Parin love?”

The room went dead silent. Neither Rango nor Phil moved a muscle. Xavier, who figured that a wildly incorrect answer would not fly on the game winner, was frantically scanning the crowd of battlers for any possible signs. Parin had no need to make up an answer like Xavier had so often, however, for this question was legitimate. Parin knew the answer; she knew the answer that would save her from Chubba’s wrath; she knew the answer that would invoke the justice she deserved. She said nothing.

“Uh, Parin?” Chubba said with a little cough. “Would you care to answer the question?”

“Uh, well…” Rango stammered. “You see, that’s a very interesting question, because… uh…”

Slamming her fist down on the podium, Parin yelled his name. The battlers gasped. Chubba cleared his throat and spoke into the mic.

“Congratulations… Parin.”

The audience stood up and began to applaud and cheer. Parin’s love interest received many pats on the back, and he could do no more than gaze at the seat in front of him in amazement. Nobody, including the weeping Skelloetta, noticed that the game show contestants had broken out into a brawl until one of them was thrown from the mysterious stage. The bandit’s head collided with the ground, and he was knocked out.

“Woah!” shouted the bandit onstage, whose attention had been gained by every set of eyes in the room. “Xavier just attacked me! I’m sorry that I had to do that, it was in self defense!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chubba said. “He completely deserves it, as well as everything else that will soon happen to him. As for you, Parin, you’re free to go.”  The bandit quickly scurried up the ladder and out of the locker. He knew that it was only a matter of time before Parin returned to her duplighost form.

It was only until Xavier reached the doors to Glitzville that he realized he had no plan. He froze momentarily before opening them and trudging outside into the cold winter air. As he droned on through the snow, he pondered his many troubles one final time. At this point, Xavier could feel nothing but sorrow. He had failed his peers. He had failed his teammates. Most of all, however, he had failed himself. After what seemed like hours of walking, the bandit finally reached the edge of the floating island. He was reminded of his countless attempts to kill Chubba, from the hanging light, to the lava pit, to the edge that he stood before presently. Those he did not feel bad about, for everyone hated Chubba. His other sorrows, however, remained true. This in mind, Xavier could not shake the feeling that he had been trying to kill the wrong guy all along. As a matter of fact, the one he really hated had been the easiest target of all.

Shutting his eyes, Xavier took in a deep breath, and was about to jump when he heard the doors to the Glitz Pit slam open.

“Sorry, everyone,” Xavier began, turning around, “but if I have to go, I’m doing it my-”  It was then that the bandit saw exactly what had caused the noise. Charging at Xavier at full speed, burning all the snow in its path and trampling a buried Scully, was what appeared to be a shadow-esque reincarnation of a certain clubba. He screamed as the figure tackled him to the ground and pressed down on his shoulders. “I’m sorry for killing you, demon Tubba! Please don’t eat me--seriously, I’ve seen you eat a McRib, and I would much rather plummet to my doom!”

“What are you…? Oh, my bad.”  Tubba proceeded to rip off a layer of charred skin and toss it away. “Believe it or not, my many layers of fat actually saved me from burning to death. Pretty crazy, huh?” Xavier let out a sigh of relief, glad to know that he would be spared the fate of that poor McRib. “Unfortunately, that didn’t stop me from suffering serious burns. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the emergency room.”  Tubba collapsed on top of Xavier, and remained there until a whole crew of battlers arrived to lift him up.

“Thanks, I-” Xavier began, but he lost his breath when he noticed Parin and his former teammates standing by the doors. Wasting no time, he turned around and stumbled off the island in the most ungraceful way possible.

All of a sudden, a green stallion burst out into Glitzville and charged through the crowd, on its back a muscular knight. Aside from the facts that the stallion was a panting Yoshi and the knight was an overweight Chubba, this description was completely accurate. Upon reaching the edge, Chubba dismounted and allowed his dinosaur companion to latch his sticky tongue onto the back of his suit. Acting quickly, the clubba leaped off after Xavier, his unhealthy weight allowing him to accelerate fast enough to grab hold of him. In a final act of heroism, Yoshi pulled the two back onto land, all the while mumbling about how much he hated his life.

When Xavier was placed safely on the ground, he glanced up at all of the Glitz Pit’s inhabitants who had crowded around him. He quickly took off towards the edge again, but this time someone stood in his path.

“GB? What are you doing?” Xavier shouted. “Get out of my way so I can kill myself!”

“Sorry, X,” GB said in reply. “I may be a horrible tentacle monster, but I’m no murderer. Just because I took your place on the Show Stoppers doesn’t mean that we can’t be outcast friends!”

“Actually, GB, you’re off the team,” Skeloetta cut in.

“WHAT?” cried the bandit and blooper in unison.

“Xavier,” Skeloetta continued, as GB tried with all his might to shove the bandit off, “Meloetta and I have learned a lot over the past few days. We’ve learned that you’re a completely insensitive jerk, for example. We’ve also learned that you’re a psychopathic little boy who hides his many fears under a cheap mask. In fact, we’ve learned that you truly have no chance in life on your own.”

“Most importantly, however, we’ve learned that we really hate GB,” Meloetta added.

“No, most importantly,” Skeloetta said, raising her voice over the murmurs of the crowd and the whines of the blooper, “we’ve learned that you do have a heart.”

“What are you talking about?” questioned Xavier, avoiding direct eye contact like the social wizard he was.

“Do you really think we didn’t notice? Every time you said something hurtful to me, you took on this remorseful expression where you’d get bags under your eyes and stick out your bottom lip!”

“Yeah, but it was mostly just because we read your diary,” further stated the ever helpful Meloetta, who held up a leather book with the words ‘Xavier’s Revenge’ messily printed on the front. Xavier jumped out to grab the book, and he ended up flying right through her. After he had gotten up, Skeloetta continued.

“It even reads that there was a point when you wanted to give up killing Chubba… for us. Sure, something changed your mind-” snickering broke out between two unidentified, incredibly mature individuals, “-but you truly made an honest effort, and isn’t that all that matters?”  It, as a matter of fact, was not all that mattered, but her foolish sense of morality blinded her from seeing this.

“So… what are you trying to say?” Xavier asked, finally looking up.

“Isn’t it obv-” Meloetta began, but her sister slapped a hand over her mouth.

“Xavier,” Skeloetta said, reaching out her hand, “you can come back to the Show Stoppers.”

The crowd broke out into applause, and some even began to cheer. GB floated away, sobbing, and Xavier took his old teammate’s hand. Unfortunately, it passed right through it, and he ended up doing a face plant in the ground.

“Here,” said a new voice, and a big, meaty ogre hand stretched out towards Xavier. The bandit took it, and was about to thank the stranger when he saw that it was Chubba. He jumped back with a shriek, bumping into Parin, who had gone behind him.

“I’m sorry, Parin!” he yelled, covering his face. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of your kind nature, and I shouldn’t have endangered your life. Please don’t hurt me!”

“Hurt you?” Parin asked, confused. “Why, I came out here to thank you!”  Now Xavier was confused. “I’ve always hated being nice. Hated it with a passion. I hated being passionate, too, come to think of it. But all of that changed after you took me captive like the lunatic you are. That traumatizing experience made me tough as nails, and now I’m completely savage.”

Parin, seeing that Xavier was about to question how tough she really was, jumped at GB.  She ripped one of his tentacles off, and ate it in front of his face as he screamed in agony. Everyone looked on in terror, not daring to make a sound. As the duplighost finished her feast, she looked back at the crowd.

“Don’t worry, just give it a year or two and that limb will be good as new. Plus, losing a tentacle is completely painless for bloopers!” Parin continued, raising her voice over GB’s continued shrieks.

“That’s… that’s great, Parin,” Xavier whispered, and then turned to Chubba. “Okay, I’m confused. If you’re allowing all of this, does that mean you don’t plan to kill me after all?”

“Kill you?” Chubba shouted, a look of disgust on his disgusting face. “No, I was never planning to do that! The fee for your death would be too large to handle, so I was just going to beat you until you hung onto your life by a thread. Apparently, however, someone actually used their own coins to pay for your life support.”  The boo sisters gave the bandit demonic grins, which they equated to gleeful smiles. “This in mind, beating you is out of the question. Instead, I’ve decided to be generous and made plans for 90 percent of the money you ever earn for the rest of your natural born life to go here.”

Xavier was moved by the clubba’s selfless decision. “Thank you, Chubba!”  He turned to face his teammates that he had reunited with at last. And thank you, guys. From now on, I’ll focus on murdering our enemies only in battle, and then alone!”  Now it was their turn to be moved. The three engaged in an awkward group hug (which was quite literally an air hug for the bandit) and all was at last well. “Alright, everyone… WHO WANTS TO PLAY IN THE SNOW?”  The crowd broke out into cheers again as they ran off throughout Glitzville.

Battles did not occur the next day, for the battlers had never halted their merriment. When the blimp carrying the viewers arrived, the regulars were shocked at what they saw:  Scully was running about with Darius sitting atop his head like a throne;  Mr. I was flirting with the base of Blizzerd’s snowman;  Yoshi and Chubba were beating each other with shovels;  Tubba and Gonzales were attempting to make snow angels that turned out to be big circles;  Shyer had grabbed an icicle and was busy attaching it to a cheerful GB as a makeshift tentacle; Aaron and EXE were having a poor excuse for a snowball fight;  Parin was sitting on a bench with Lukki, leaning her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder;  what surprised the viewers the most, however, was the sight of Xavier laughing and horsing around with Meloetta and Skelloetta.

Blessed are those rescued by the light. They are a lucky few, a small group of individuals that are able to identify the errors of their ways and atone for their wrongdoings. This bane of darkness completely turned the bandit’s life around. It mended the wounds torn by darkness and converted him from the side of evil to the side of good. Xavier had seen the light.

END OF PART 1