Chapter 6 - The Bandit's Blackmail (G&G)

One thing that makes darkness sound so appealing to the fools that fall under its spell is the many tricks that come with it. The utilization of these tricks can allow said fools to cover up their shortcomings in a way that will only hold them off for so long. Blackmail, for example, is a temporary solution to a problem that will only get worse. This is especially true when the one using this trick is as dense as Xavier.

“...arrogant, obnoxious, malodorous…”

“Tubba, I need some advice!” Xavier shouted, struggling to have his voice heard over the clubba’s continued listing of his brother’s many flaws. “How are you able to persevere with the knowledge that no-”

“...miserable, sarcastic, lazy…”

It was no use. Tubba had entered a trance that could not be broken by the mere shrieks of a pubescent bandit. Scanning the area for an alternate method of getting the job done, Xavier noticed something peculiar--the door to the shop was ajar. Usually, it didn’t open until the early afternoon. Upon entering the poorly managed store, he was greeted with the pink abomination known as Parin of the Place holders.

“Parin?” Xavier called out. “What are you doing here?”

Hearing this voice made the duplighost instinctively turn around, and a hoard of items fell from her cradled arms. Panicked, she hastily attempted to pick them up, which only led to more failure. “W-what are YOU doing here!?” she retorted.

“Parin, were you… stealing?”

“Look, I’m really sorry! I’ll put it all back, just please-”

“I am so proud of you,” Xavier said, a tear rolling down his masked face. Parin felt relieved, until the bandit added, “...but, I have to be true to my incorrigible urge to be a jerk, so I’m afraid I must tattle.”  With that, Xavier waddled out of the shop towards the entrance to the Glitz Pit. His stubby legs didn’t get him very far, however, before the duplighost tackled him to the ground.

“Please, Xavier! I’ll do anything you want, just name it!” she pleaded, oblivious to the much better choice of gagging and hiding the sadly weak bandit.

“Hmm…  Anything I want?” he asked, restating the obvious. “In that case, please come with me.”  Xavier stood up, refusing to admit how much the girl had hurt his fragile body, and led her around back the juice shop. He had pushed aside his attempts to get Tubba yakking in favor of what he considered to be a much better plan. “Him! Copy him!”

“Alright, look. I know I said I’d do whatever you desired, but don’t you think this is cruel and unusual punishment?”

“Oh, please. If you want cruel and unusual punishment, go to Yoshi and Chubba for mental help. Now take on Tubba’s form, or I’m telling on you!”

With a shudder of disgust, the duplighost complied. “Ugh, the rumors are true. Clubbas do have awful armpit sweat!”

“Quit your whining, woman. It’s time we got onto the second stage of my brilliant plan!”  With all of the battlers causing their daily riot in the office trying to get fights scheduled and ask stupid questions, Xavier and Parin were able to sneak into the red major league room with ease.

“Alright, Parin. Prepare to be amazed!”  Xavier shouted, and swung open his locker. After quietly sobbing on the ground for several minutes, for he had managed to nail himself in the mask with the steel door, the duplighost had had enough of the awkward atmosphere.

“So what am I supposed to be looking at?” she questioned, peering into the darkness.

“That,” he replied, wiping his watery eyes, “is the entrance to my secret lair, and the room in which my plan shall unfold!”  Taking advantage of the moment, Xavier charged towards Parin. The duplighost’s unexpected step to the side, however, caused the bandit to fly in himself. With the sound of a distant thud, Parin entered the locker and climbed down a poorly made ladder until she reached the floor of the hideout.

“This is your secret lair? she asked, taking in her surroundings. The room had no walls or flooring, and it was no bigger than the size of the locker room. On the sides of the dirt room were pictures of himself and heart encircled photos of the boo sisters, which Xavier quickly tore down. The only other thing down there was a worn out crate.

“Yeah! Pretty radical, huh?”  The bandit ran over to the crate and began rummaging through it.

Refusing to wait any longer, the stubborn duplighost said, “That’s it, I’ve had enough of this. Tell me your dumb plan, already!”

“Telling you about it won’t really do it justice,” he said, placing a laptop on top of the box and turning towards her with an evil grin. In his hands were a video camera, a pile of rope, and what appeared to be a reinforced fishing pole of sorts. “How about I just show you instead?”